So, the last blog I posted was very hopeful about my Gram. I found out a few days later that she had three strokes and two were bleeding. She wasn't going to get any better. She lost her ability to speak very soon after I had written that post and when I saw her that Friday, she barely opened her eyes. My grandma may or may not have understood the things that my sister and I told her when we were telling her how much we loved her and how much she meant to us, but that doesn't matter to me. There's not much that I believe without evidence, but I want to believe some part of my grandma heard me. She passed away a week later.
Friday, we went to her funeral and it was pretty much the worst day of my life. I don't really want to talk about it. I got to see a lot of family and we got sing her favorite hymn (yes, I sang it; it holds a lot of memories for me even if I don't hold the same religious sentiments of the song) and hear about how my Gram's love made people feel safe and loved and comfortable, but it was the hardest funeral I've ever been to and nothing that was said can give me my Gram back. That's all I'll say about that.
My Grandpa is probably moving far away to live with his daughter and I don't know when I'll be able to see him again. Isn't it just fucking ridiculous that I couldn't stop in my stupid, busy schedule of getting married, working dead-end jobs, playing on the internet, etc, to visit them more often before this? So, I'm a little bit angry. Angry at myself. Angry at life. It just hurts, you know?
Ugh. I'm reading this and it sounds horrible and angry and damnit, I'm just going to leave it because it's real. Any of you that know me IRL will understand and I just want to thank you for that. I have the best friends, family and husband in the whole wide world who texted me, facebooked me and loved the crap out of me and my family while we were going through this. My birthday was the day after my Gram's funeral and my friends and sisters made it a wonderful day, regardless of the pain we all felt.
When I'm ready, I'll post more pics of my birthday (wasn't a party or anything, just dinner and frisbee). I have some videos of me learning guitar again. Chris's mom has an old, cheap classical guitar I'm learning on because I'm having a lot of trouble on the Ibanez. I have some new running and weight goals, too. I feel pretty good about how I look right now, but I want to be more fit.
That's it. That's all I got for the night. I'm going to bed.
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