Sunday, March 25, 2012

March 25th

I'm the kind of person who always wonders "what if?" in any situation. I'll read a quote online and before I repost it, I make sure that a second source can confirm it is correct and that it is by the person it is attributed to. I'm the kind of person that, when conflict arises, I try to think back over my actions of the last few months, or sometimes years, to figure out where I may have gone wrong. I ask other people as well, trying to get an idea of where I'm at and where I should be. I don't rest my head easily at night sometimes, and that's okay. At least I know I'm thorough.

Someone told me recently she will "rest her head at night" easily, regardless of her actions being extremely unethical if not down-right immoral. I can only assume people like that rest their heads at night so easily because they A) push out of the minds that they've dont anything at all or B) have convinced themselves that their actions were warranted, like the other person deserved it or something. This is the only explanation I can find for someone being so completely okay with their falsehoods and fakery. In the end, it's people like this who will lie straight to your face without blinking an eye and still live with themselves.

Today I got a phone call from someone who has a great deal of integrity and warmth for other people. This person doesn't boast or put others down. This person doesn't pick and choose who he "forgives" based on his desire for attention and social status. This person doesn't steal from others or make up stories. This person is willing to tell the truth. And the truth I heard tonight is that I should never have let that kind of poison in my closest circle of friends. I mentioned that maybe one person's influence on the other was at fault for a change in behavior by the latter, but then it was pointed out that both people have always been the way they are, influenced or not. It's hard to notice these things when you aren't the one bearing the brunt of a person's impertinence.

So yes, I'll rest my head tonight. I have quite a few less people to worry about and–well, they can all have each other.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Some Updates

I have been feeling restless lately. My stress level has been high for most of this semester (see previous blog post) and I'm not sleeping well. With everything that happened in February with my Gram, all the pressure from class, the strained relationship with our now ex-best friends, I just can't seem to get my head back on straight. I need some down time.

I look back on the last couple of months and I just picture myself juggling. Juggling inflamed insults hurled at me and Chris from facebook by a guy who used to respect us. Juggling hope and despair as my Gram's condition improved, worsened, improve and worsened again. Juggling staying strong for my big sister and then falling apart in quiet. Juggling the joy I feel signing to Deaf people in the real world at Deaf events and the hopelessness of forgetting sings and even trivial stuff like getting caught with gum in class. Fucking gum, seriously.

Meanwhile, Chris is drowning beneath grading papers and writing one of the most important papers in his life. He's glued to that desk on the other side of the wall. Luckily, his quarter ends next week.

I love him. He makes me dinner; that means the world to me. Sometimes we just ride around town, frizzing at the park, stopping for coffee or a mexican hot chocolate at a Ciocolat. We talk, we laugh, sometimes we just sit there and look around. He looks like a young Orson Welles, apparently. I think I'm falling in love...every single day of my life.

Oh, and we signed Alex Smith for three years. There's that, too. Go Niners.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

ASL 3 Test

I swear to Jebus, I hatehatehatehatehate how hard this class is. I get so nervous testing for this teacher, I forget to breathe. Every time he looks down at his paper to mark something, I panic. I literally feel light headed after testing. I shake like a leaf. The pit of my stomach feels like it's on the floor beneath my feet. I can feel my cheeks turning red.

I recorded myself before class, just to practice. Here's a YouTube link. An English description of the story is provided for the signing impaired. I swear, if I make it through this class with a C I will be surprised. It is the hardest class I've ever taken. It makes me miss french pronouns and all it's fucked up past tenses. Hope you enjoy the video, folks.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Pathetic People.

So, it's pretty obvious to anyone close to Chris and I that we are no longer "best friends" with two people who told us we were all "best friends" but then began acting real shitty to us on facebook. The male counterpart in the couple, specifically, we'll call him Shrek. His posts and comments on facebook became increasingly inflammatory as of late and we called him on it. Chris removed him from facebook because it got so bad. We'll call the female counterpart Helga.

So when we got the text message that they had only pretended to be Chris's friend to be friends with me, it was obvious it was over, even if they didn't really mean what they said. This is someone that mc'd my wedding, standing up there acting like he was our friend. Alternatively, if he's lying about faking the friendship then he's just willing to throw all that away so he can be a dick on facebook.  People like that don't have any room in a life of joy and happiness, let me tell you.

What was funny was that Chris's unfriending them and my support of him was more of an atrocity to Shrek and Helga than what some of their other "friends" had done. Shrek and Helga were just find remaining friends with others including the girl that stole Helga's ex boyfriend, (whom we'll call Slick). Helga didn't bat an eye telling me that a girl we'll call Maggie definitely stole my shoes at my very own weddint. Maggie, of course, unfriended me after I unfreinded Shrek and Helga and when I confronted her about it (and the shoes) she denied everything, saying she only unfriended me because I had been facebook friends with her ex. An ex I met twice. Did she steal the shoes? Who knows, but I think it's hilarious that she's more mad at me for confronting her than at Helga for insisting adamantly that she was the culprit. And her and Helga are still best buddies.

It was even funnier when I shot off a quick status about the whole thing and Shrek began reporting me to the "facebook authorities." I'm not even their facebook friend anymore, yet they feel the need to come to my page. I felt so special. And when another person shot off about how I need to "look at my part," (AA recovery double-speak for you—if someone screws you over, you're supposed to see where YOU went wrong) and not post things publicly on facebook, I asked why then, did she post to the status and not just give me a private message if she really felt so concerned. Aggrandizing your own "spiritual condition" to look like the bigger person. Slow clap, there. All of these people are "best friends." No surprise. Oh, and miss Spiritual AA is also losing her husband to another woman. Hardly surprising.

The fakeness was obvious to a lot of people, though, and there have been quite a few people who have pointed out that Helga has actually always been pretty fake, jumping from friendship to friendship, always acting the innocent part when her poor choices got her in hot water and then turning around and talking about other people behind their backs. I'm sure there were things that were already being said about us before this even went down, which makes perfect sense with Shrek's "We only pretend to be friends" statement to my husband. Others have pointed out that maybe Shrek has always been a bit—well, abrasive you could say, always puffing himself up to be more than everyone else.

I usually just disregarded the tall tales as a product of his insecurity when he'd say things like, "Yeah, I had to deal with two gunshot wounds today" at a private ambulance company that does transport from senior homes to doctors' appointments day in and day out. Sacramento is a nasty city, but even that many gunshot wounds would have made it in the paper, if not the evening news. I even let it slide when he bold-faced told my parents that he would be making 100,000 dollars a year working as a manager at In-N-Out. I just kept my mouth shut and laughed it off. He still hasn't been offered the position as far as I know.

I wonder then, if Shrek even made up the story where Slick shot a man in the spine "on accident" at a house party. According to him, Slick's new girlfriend had gone home tired and pregnant and Slick had gone upstairs to fool around with someone else. This mystery gunshot victim later confronted him and about ten minutes later, the shooting accident happened. It was a nice story for someone to make up about a person they feel is still a rival, but I doubt it ever happened. Shrek also told us his ex had beastiality fetish. I guess I can write that one off as "about as real as his friendship to us," which is to say, completely fake.

Shitty. Shitty people, shitty standards. I should have known better. I wonder what it is in me that doesn't see this kind of stuff in people before I make an emotional investment in them. I really have a lot better friends than that and they're all around. I have so much better to do with my time. I guess it's just sad that it was all an illusion and I trusted these people. Let them in my home, put them at the table of honor when I got married. Just goes to show you never really know a person. That's all I'll say about Helga and Shrek.